KHW #8: There’s no thermostat in Hell.

I don’t really know what time it is right now, but I’m pretty sure I should be asleep. I also know that the past several hours, which I would rather have spent in blissful slumber, have slipped by in a haze of goosebumps and sweat – a losing battle with the heater in room 122.

This heater has two knobs: one, ostensibly, to control the “temperature” (red for warm / blue for cold) and one to control the flow of air into the room (‘low heat’, ‘high heat’, ‘low cool’, ‘high cool’, ‘fan’ and ‘off’). My 1994 Hyundai Excel had a remarkably similar onboard system.

Since it’s Fargo, and since it’s cold, I turned knob #1 into the red, set knob #2 to ‘low heat’ (‘high’ produces something akin to the Santa Ana winds – you could blow-dry your hair in 5 minutes flat), and tucked into bed. I tossed, I turned, and soon realized I was covered in sweat. So I dialed knob #1 down a bit. Still sweating, and also parched. The air this heater kicks out is like, scientifically designed to rob your body of all moisture. Knob #1 goes down a little bit more, and suddenly I’ve got full-on air conditioning, goosebumps, and probably pneumonia, so we notch it up a tad back towards the red, chugging tap water to ward off the eventual drought. This little waltz has been continuing now for well over three hours, during which, like a hypothermia victim in his last moments before the blackness, I have peeled off several layers of sleepwear.

These sheets are like sandpaper, mind you. And I think I’m allergic to their detergent.

Frustrated and exhausted, I’ve just now turned the heater OFF. It’s nine degrees or something outside, so there’s a pretty good chance that some hapless member of the crew will knock on my door in a couple hours, eager to get started on our Starbucks run, and find me naked, frozen, and curled up under the television. (Terminal burrowing. Google it.)


OH HEY WOW AWESOME! When the heater is “OFF”, it will still rouse itself for brief (but loud!) periods to spew COLD AIR across the bed! Life couldn’t get any better. I think I’ll just wander out into the street and die now, jesus christ.

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