Just another day in paradise.

It started out, as always, with my clothes. The “I don’t have ANYTHING to WEAR!” conundrum. I nipped this problem in the bud some time ago by bulk-purchasing simple black shirts from Target and wearing them like a uniform day in and day out, but now, with my more ample figure, the Uniform is a little snug. I don’t like feeling snug. And Target stopped making the shirts I like. So I’m really up a creek.

I settled on a black lightweight turtleneck over a black lightweight 3/4 sleeve over a black tank top, and set about organizing my day. I had stuff to return to Marshall’s, stuff to return to Target, and stuff to go to the post office, plus a ride up to Marblehead to settle some things at the office, plus grocery and booze shopping to do. I’m very particular about the order in which I complete my tasks – I really need things to be streamlined and efficient – but for some reason I couldn’t figure out a way to streamline any of my errands. Then I couldn’t find the receipt for my Marshall’s purchase (a fairly expensive piece of cookware that I agonized over buying) (because I’m pretty broke, now that I had to shell out $300 for 100 gallons of heating oil) and boy did that set me off. They don’t give you your money back without a receipt, don’t you know, and I definitely need my money back.

Sometimes, it’s all these little things in life that coalesce into one big snarl of paralyzing confusion. My shrink says this is actually a condition-specific phenomenon, which makes me feel a little better, but when you’re sitting in the parking lot of Whole Foods trying to figure out whether it’s even worth going inside, now that you’ve lost your Marshall’s receipt and wasted an entire day freaking out about nothing… it’s cold comfort. The feeling is like a snowball gaining momentum and girth as it rolls downhill, while you’re tied to a chair at the bottom of the slope, right in its path. You can breathe, you can Zen, you can distract yourself from the inevitable, but eventually, you know, you’re gonna get hit.

I stopped my Abilify recently, after an extended taper, and I’ve been feeling kind of off ever since. It’s getting hard to see the forest from the trees.

2 responses to “Just another day in paradise.”

  1. If it makes you feel any better (or not) I’m the same way, without any meds to help me. I’m not OCD or anything, but I have routines about certain things that are inconsequential (turn off car, set parking brake, remove seat belt, then unplug iPhone, etc.) and if I do something out of order (say, set the brake before turning off the car) my body turns into an idiot and I can’t get anything right. Next thing you know, I’ve locked the keys inside the car and lost a shoe. And then after I get all that sorted out, I’ve lost all energy to go grocery shopping or to the post office and whatever comes after that.

    So… you know… it’s not just you.


  2. I hear you…the week before Christmas I finished my christmas shopping, and had some other errands to run. Mainly I had to drop off a bag of clothes in the Planet Aid bin that is stationed right in front of my gym. This is a task that I hate doing, but the time at come and I planned to go to the gym afterwards. When I got there, there was a big van parked directly in from of the bin, so I was unable to drop off my clothes. I was so at a loss that I decided not to go to the gym and head home instead, only to decide half way through my treck home that maybe I should try out a new gym location 10 miles down the road. I fought traffic to get there and was so annoyed by the time that I pulled into the parking lot that I decided to just go home and watch TV. TOTAL waste of an afternoon.


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