To have a really awesome day, the first crucial thing to do is wake up with a hangover. This will really set things on the right path.

Next, what you need to do is DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE. I mean, LOTS. On an empty stomach. If you’re really aiming for the stars, get one of those sickly sweet iced things from Starbucks in addition to your usual morning pitcher – this will catapult you into an echelon of awesome that you probably didn’t even know was possible.

Now that you’re all primed, what better way to edge into nirvana than with a funding meeting? A funding meeting where you learn that you’re NOT getting funded? It’s a feeling like NO OTHER, let me tell you. You’ll be sitting in that conference room, strategizing about your next move, and then all of a sudden you’ll realize that you have zero savings and you might very well wind up selling your plasma for rent money! But wait, it gets better. The REALLY great part is that you won’t actually know FOR SURE that you’re not getting funded until, oh, December, and your company only has enough money to pay salaries through October. At best. And you probably need to be working that whole time, ostensibly sans pay, just in case the cash comes through. Then, all of a sudden, you’ll find yourself fighting back tears, and what’s more awesome than crying in meetings? NOTHING, that’s what.

But I’m sure things can go even further in the direction of sublime. Let’s think about how….

So maybe in the evening you have a fancy awards ceremony to attend, and maybe you packed your bag full of fancy clothes while you were hungover. So you have five dresses, two pairs of shoes, one weird purse, and a bizarre assortment of jewelry, no combination of which will create a normal outfit. So you wind up wearing a bright green minidress, stripper heels, and a long rhinestone necklace to an event populated mainly by Boston brahmin Eileen Fisher types. Now THAT’S hot.

OK cool, right, you’re flying PRET-TY high at this point, but to take your life TOTALLY OVER THE FUCKING TOP, let’s throw in a familiar old rhyme. En route to the fancy awards ceremony, if you’re lucky, your car will start doing that weird idling shudder thing it used to do back in the day when you were suing Ford Motor Company for material damages. Then, all of a sudden, all your gagues flatline. Like, you’re going 15 mph down a crowded street in the middle of the city, and your dashboard is telling you that you’re not moving at all, you have no gas, and apparently your car is actually turned off.

Then you park in a resident-only spot and get a nice fat ticket.

Let’s recap now, because I don’t want you to miss any of these crucial benchmarks:

• wake up with hangover
• self-induce some coffee nausea
• learn that you very well might get an unemployment check for Christmas
• cry in public
• go to fancypants dinner dressed like a hooker
• car dies in the middle of the city
• get parking ticket

So cool! Now you’re in on the secret to happiness! And hey, you’re welcome. I take cash, credit, and Amazon gift certificates.