OK, so what if my dress looks like a glorified bathrobe, and so what if I fell on the ice yesterday and totally fucked up my right knee, and so what if I broke and 80 thousand dollar tape deck by fully inserting a 124-minute Dbeta into the unit while it had another tape in there already? WHINING IS NOT WHY YOU KEEP COMING BACK. Snarkiness and debauchery is what keeps me going. So here are some pictures with commentary.

First of all: me clipping my snaggletooth toenails in anticipation of my night out on the town.

Why would anybody want to take a picture of their wife-to-be while she’s clipping her toenails? It’s totally beyond me. But that’s what I’m marrying, so I guess i have to get used to it. This sort of thing is what really makes me wonder what it’ll be like while I’m going through childbirth. Before you get all misty about how he loves me so much even toenail clippings are a thing of beauty, let me tell you that there’s also a picture of my college roommate zipping up her fly. Find that one for yourselves.

Then there was this gem at the wedding shower.

then we took the camera away from Katsumi and sent him packing.

My mom and sisters put out quite the spread, you wish you could have been there:

Those empty glasses? HOMEMADE SANGRIA. So yum.

You can peruse the pictures of gifts in your own time, but the limo ride to the city had its own set of novelty items,

packaged in true TCITB style:

I love the flying cock-and-balls.

Then it was on to the MOTHERFUCKING PARK PLAZA HOTEL, where we got right down to business:

drinking. We ate at Finale, conveniently located just around the corner from the hotel. If you haven’t been, and you live in the city, you are a complete dolt and I really can’t help you. If you don’t live in the city, I suggest you book a flight like RIGHT NOW and go there. Don’t feel limited to the desserts – I got the antipasto and it was fantastic.

Then we sent the young’uns on their way and busted out the big guns:

oh, whoops, not that. I meant this!

Drinking in a stretch limo is probably as good as it gets in life. I only had to have three drinks while actually inside the bars, and I was completely toasted all night long.

Redheaded Sluts at Sancutary:

An artsy picture by the bar:

Then this other bachelorette bought me a shot and we were out of there. I wanted to make full use of the limo service, so we decided to go somewhere that would otherwise constitute a very pricey cab ride. As it happened, the bar where we went was the same bar where I filmed a movie a couple summers ago: Lucky’s Lounge in South Boston! And hey, woah, talk about awesome. The pictures say it better than I ever could:

(I have no idea who that guy is, by the way)

Then, we hopped in the limo and drank another bottle of champagne on the way back to the hotel:

ordered a ton of room service:

and passed out. There was a rumor that we got a second round of snacks, which I can neither confirm nor deny, because I was out cold.

The next morning, it was all about this:

and this.

Hey, we rallied!! Show some respect!!

And all thanks to my awesome bridesmaids and wonderful sister, who can still look this good even after a long day of partying. YOU ARE THE BEST!!!