Quiet, now.

This has been total hell. The whole spring-into-summer. One slow-burning, creeping infection that reinvented itself hourly. There was the hospitalization, of course, but that was just the beginning. That was only the spark.

It wasn’t like last time, this past time – again, June. There was no brandishing grand hopes of success or faith in newly devised treatments. Rather, I harbored a dreadful certainty that this scene would play itself out again and again, rippling its dark water into every corner of my life. Call it what you will, premonition or self-sabotage, but damn if it hasn’t been just like that. My entire basement is flooded, at this point – I’m draining it out a bucket at a time.

Things got really weird for a long time. It’s kind of like, “woah, what was in that brownie” and then forgetting you ever ate the brownie. You’re left unmoored, disembodied, completely immersed in a tilt-shifted world of your own making. It’s different – eerily hollow – but familiar. Then you wake up seven hours later wearing your roommate’s favorite dress, inexplicably covered with butterscotch ice cream topping.

Except that last part never happened. Not this summer, anyway.

Somehow the real-life aftershocks seem even more shattering this go-round, which is saying a lot, I suppose, since my last breakdown resulted in the end of my marriage. But it’s a true statement if there ever was one.  If I tried to list the ways this summer’s trials have screwed up my scene, I wouldn’t even know where to begin. And it would probably be super depressing.

I have a new therapist who specializes in DBT, and, for better or worse, I’ve given up trying to give up Abilify. It works too well, this designer-drug miracle, and pulls me together so completely. Having a new job helped a lot, that much I will admit – having to pretend to be OK sometimes leads halfway there.

So here I am, facing up to reality and moving along. Still pretending from time to time, but mostly just analyzing the cost of the metaphorical sump pump. Getting sick was expensive.

5 Responses to Quiet, now.

  1. Tom says:

    You’ve talked about giving up the Abilify before, but I might have missed the ‘why’. If it works (pro), what’s the other side (con)? Expense? Side-effects?

    Like

  2. Christian says:

    Good news though, DBT is the bomb for BPD. And despite common perception, the prognosis for those with BPD who get treatment is really good.

    “Thus contrary to popular belief, recovery from BPD is not only possible but common, even for those with the most severe symptoms.”

    Like

  3. mike g says:

    I’m glad to hear your trying something new. The pharma that my wife works at just had a new BPD drug approved that is showing really amazing results. Feel free to email me and I’ll have her send you any info that you could share with your new doc, it’s quite new and he may not be familiar with it.

    Like

  4. Nora says:

    You’re so cool! I do not believe I have read something like that before.
    So great to discover someone with genuine thoughts on this topic.
    Seriously.. many thanks for starting this up.
    This website is something that is required on the internet, someone with some originality!

    Like

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