I cried all the way home from work tonight. I cried down Pleasant St in Marblehead, I cried down Shore Drive through Swampscott, and I cried all the way down 1A, to Wonderland. I could be forgiven for the last — that stretch on 1A is pretty grim — but why the tears on what is otherwise a very lovely commute?
I think I miss my husband. And not in a “turn back the clock, I made a mistake” sort of way, but more in the way that you sometimes get very homesick, even after you’ve immersed yourself thoroughly in college life. It’s silent weeping more than open sobbing, it’s sniffling rather than blowing your nose. But it still hurts.
Anyone who’s met Katsu will tell you: he is the absolute sweetest, smartest, kindest person you could ever hope to meet. I talked to him this evening, for about 20 minutes, while he was on layover at Logan and I was sprawled out on my boss’ floor. I had questions about enterprise-level storage solutions, I wanted to know WTF Java was (like, really), and I was curious to hear his solutions for some work-related tech issues I’ve been trying to wrap my head around. He was very helpful, as always, and we made plans to grab drinks next week.
And the whole way home, I just pictured him alone in the airport. All alone. If I hadn’t been so crazy, if I hadn’t gotten so sick, maybe he wouldn’t have to be alone in an airport on a Thursday night. Maybe he’d be back at our apartment, enjoying a homemade dinner and getting ready to watch some anime. Maybe he’d be happier, or maybe he’s happier now. I don’t know. There’s no going back, I suppose, and no crystal ball.
So is this love, then, this selfless hope for the other? Maybe this is what happens when time heals the wounds and we see things clearly. I like the me that is now — I like her much better than the arrogant, mercurial, selfish me that used to be. And I have so much regret that the person I married, the person I loved, got stuck with the evil twin. SO much regret. I hope that one day I’ll be forgiven. I hope that one day I’ll forgive myself.
Who’s got my absolution?
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