You’ve made your bed. –

You’ve made your bed.

I cried all the way home from work tonight. I cried down Pleasant St in Marblehead, I cried down Shore Drive through Swampscott, and I cried all the way down 1A, to Wonderland. I could be forgiven for the last — that stretch on 1A is pretty grim — but why the tears on what is otherwise a very lovely commute?

I think I miss my husband. And not in a “turn back the clock, I made a mistake” sort of way, but more in the way that you sometimes get very homesick, even after you’ve immersed yourself thoroughly in college life. It’s silent weeping more than open sobbing, it’s sniffling rather than blowing your nose. But it still hurts.

Anyone who’s met Katsu will tell you: he is the absolute sweetest, smartest, kindest person you could ever hope to meet. I talked to him this evening, for about 20 minutes, while he was on layover at Logan and I was sprawled out on my boss’ floor. I had questions about enterprise-level storage solutions, I wanted to know WTF Java was (like, really), and I was curious to hear his solutions for some work-related tech issues I’ve been trying to wrap my head around. He was very helpful, as always, and we made plans to grab drinks next week.

And the whole way home, I just pictured him alone in the airport. All alone. If I hadn’t been so crazy, if I hadn’t gotten so sick, maybe he wouldn’t have to be alone in an airport on a Thursday night. Maybe he’d be back at our apartment, enjoying a homemade dinner and getting ready to watch some anime. Maybe he’d be happier, or maybe he’s happier now. I don’t know. There’s no going back, I suppose, and no crystal ball.

So is this love, then, this selfless hope for the other? Maybe this is what happens when time heals the wounds and we see things clearly. I like the me that is now — I like her much better than the arrogant, mercurial, selfish me that used to be. And I have so much regret that the person I married, the person I loved, got stuck with the evil twin. SO much regret. I hope that one day I’ll be forgiven. I hope that one day I’ll forgive myself.

Who’s got my absolution?

5 responses to “You’ve made your bed.”

Heidi Wetzel

February 24, 2011 at 9:21 pm

No absolution, because no one can give it to you , you need to give it to yourself. . Sometimes things just go wrong and it is no ones fault. Though it is nice that you can talk and still have a good relationship , cherish that and maybe you will be on the road to forgiving yourself. And you are right , when time heals some of the wounds (and conversely rips open new ones) you can see more clearly and learn and grow from the experience. Its a process and I think you are so brave to share your experience of the process with the world.

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TBA

February 24, 2011 at 9:54 pm

I’ve had this comment box open for several minutes, but everything else I’ve started to type just seems like the wrong thing to say. So …. hugs.

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Julie

February 25, 2011 at 10:03 am

Xo Erin. This made me cry too, because I can so relate right now to feeling like you’re not good enough for that perfect companion.

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Debbie Grueter

February 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Wow Erin, once again you have shared an experience you are having that I have had recently had and can so relate to. If you recall in an earlier commment I made on your post back last August, when I explained all of the horrible crap that happened to me as a result of making a decision to leave my husband and go out on my own, because of all the turmoil my husband and I were having. And I totally sunk to further than I ever thought I could.

As just like your husband, mine is also the kindest sweetest most compassionate person that I have ever know. But he too ended up with my evil twin as well. (Although neither I nor he knew that when we got married. All my crap came out after.) And I blamed him for all my problems. I wanted or expected him to be a certain way for me, just because I thought he should. Well this past year when I was out on my own, I did a lot of self-discovery and it was very painful. I too got very homesick and wanted to run back home where it was safe and familiar. But unfortunately, my husband was not too keen on letting come back that easily. And I don’t blame him. He was hurt because of my actions. But what he did do for me at that time, was he did rescue me from the horrible place that I was in, and got me set up in a place a mile down the street from my old house so at least I was close. As despite all my problems or our problems, I could always count on him to be there and can still count on him. Despite everything he has been the once constant in my life.

For the first time in many years, my love for him and appreciation for him was stronger than ever. Like you indicated above, I guess this is love. After his rescue of me, we continued to work on our issues (or mostly my issues I should say) in a healthier way than we ever did. And as a result a few months ago, we made a decision to have me move back home. And so far so good, time will tell. I am still trying to figure it all out. But All I can say is this, that I am a different person now than before I left. I do like the person I am today better than the person I was back then, even though I had go through a lot of pain to get here.

I know I have not forgiven myself for what I have the put the person I married through. And sometimes I fear that I may never be able to forgive myself as I continue to beat myself up. And perhaps I should not be forigiven, I don’t know that yet. And I am not sure if my husband has forgiven me totally. But I know he has forgiven enough to want to continue to try and make things work for us and we are trying to meet each other half way.

So perhaps all I can say for you and for me, I think we are both good people with good hearts and good intentions. We have just inherited or aquired a lot of crap over the years that has interfered with us being the best that we can be not only for ourselves but for others as well. But first things first. You need to take of yourself first and be happy with who you are, so that you can be better for others and you do deserve forgiveness. And the people that truly love you and have your best interests at heart will ultimately forgive you and be there for you. But first forgive yourself as you’ve earned it.

Take care,

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∃

February 28, 2011 at 8:52 pm

Do you watch Futurama? This post is sitting in my gut like Nibbler’s rocket fuel waste. Heavy, dense, waste for one, fuel for the other. The kinda thing that requires multiple people to just budge. It hurts sitting there because it makes me remember. But they say it’s good to remember the stuff of one’s life. Thank you for your openness.

I don’t know if this is the sort of thing you want to read right now, if you start and it makes you want to vomit, then stop and my feelings won’t be hurt. Do you remember my wedding photos? In 2002, he and I broke up because of my mental health and because of what I put him through. We didn’t speak for seven years. There is no absolution. Just forgiveness and growth and time and Nibbler’s poop.

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