I spent too much time thinking today. –

I spent too much time thinking today.

I have a husband. And I have a boyfriend. And it will likely stay that way for some time. As I mentioned, Katsu’s insurance is the only thing standing between me and the Forgotten Doorway to the Nuthouse, except for how without the insurance I wouldn’t even be able to go to the nuthouse and would probably wind up doing who even knows what. I need to stay married, or that insurance goes out the window and I go toppling off a cliff.

My mother is not pleased about this, nor do I expect her to be. And in light of this, I’m forced to examine my own interpretation of what marriage actually means. I believe in love. I believe in commitment. I believe in hope. But I know that these things aren’t always enough, and so I have to say, honestly, I don’t know if I believe in marriage.

I’d like to get some other perspectives, if anyone is willing to share. Not on my situation, per se, but on the larger overarching motif.

What does “being married” mean?

7 responses to “I spent too much time thinking today.”

So

January 17, 2011 at 11:04 am

It’s an artificial construct that made a lot more sense back when we died at 30. That said, society rewards marriage, (which is the heart of your situation), and I’m married because there was no good reason not to.

At the same time, a friend who didn’t believe in marriage who had kids with her now-ex always tells me that she has changed her mind, even though her philosophy hasn’t really changed. I think because it fully conveys the heft of the situation to all involved before any kids come along.

So there ya go, two perspectives in one.

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Rachel

January 17, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Marriage is a property transfer from father to husband. Woman is the property.

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Jen

January 17, 2011 at 2:48 pm

I have never been married but I thought that marriage was a partnership and a commitment. I would like to get married someday but I must find the guy first.

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Debbie Grueter

January 17, 2011 at 6:01 pm

Hi Erin, I believe I have so much to add on this topic. But I am going to take a day or so to get all my thoughts together so I can share my current situation with you. And how it relates to yours so stay tuned. More to come tomorrow.

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giddy girlie

January 17, 2011 at 9:15 pm

For me, it was the natural progression of my life with my best friend. But honestly, we probably wouldn’t have jumped in when we did if health insurance wasn’t an issue. We were happy just the way we were (together 4 years, already lived together for 3 years). But I had health insurance and he didn’t, so it was a good excuse to bring him on my plan and get him the help that he needed. We had friends who were together for 7 years before they got married — same reason: he needed a root canal. If we weren’t married, we would definitely still be together now. It’s just who we are… but there are so many other people in our lives that I have tried to warn away from getting married (mostly because exchanging rings isn’t going to solve the basic fact that they hate each other). Of course, no one listens. So now we know a lot of miserable people. Unfortunately, some are trying to apply the bandaid of children, which… doesn’t work either. *sigh* Why doesn’t everyone in the world just listen to me always??

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Farrell

January 20, 2011 at 2:05 pm

I think a large part of marriage is learning to love like God and to know Him more. God’s love is a “no matter what” kind of love, that we can’t earn more or less of no matter what we do. Marriage can be a lot like that- when a person vows to stick with you through thick and thin you not only learn what it’s like to love like God but you learn what it’s like to be loved “no matter what.” I tend to think that that kind of love is actually impossible for us, which is why we need God himself to help us fulfill those vows and teach us how to love better and forever.

Very idealistic, I know. There are certainly exceptions to sticking with someone forever and there are certainly spouses who have not loved their significant other no matter what. But it’s what “being married” has meant for me.

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1. erinire
  
  January 20, 2011 at 11:09 pm
  
  Farrell, if this were a Facebook status, I would like it. I hope you always feel just this way.
  
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