Today, B! and I went to visit David Long of DL Video Productions. He’s in the wedding film business as well, and I’ve been a fan of his work since I started my little company back last April. I was really looking forward to the meeting, and it had taken quite some time to set up, but by approximately 10:30am the process of getting dressed had already reduced me to tears. Shirt after shirt, pants after pants, and even the new boots I’d bought as a guilt-ridden salve to my wardrobe woes failed to muster in their owner enough confidence to even feel OK about leaving the house.
I could say I’m sick, I thought. I could just cancel.
I kind of blew my lid as I left the apartment, and got to Wilbraham 45 minutes early. 80mph will do that, I guess. It was so reminiscent of the old days, when I’d rage-drive in silence listening as my thoughts spiraled downwards in a whispering scream. I didn’t like it at all. But I couldn’t stop it.
Now, you’d think, me being in such a state, that the meeting would be a trainwreck. I’d spent the last hour and a half in an internal monologue of FAIL, and try though I might, I couldn’t turn my mind over to pondering the matter at hand. But! quite the contrary! As is often the case, a short game of Pretending You’re Fine was just what the doctor ordered. I’m pretty good at Pretending You’re Fine, as evidenced by my many years of being very much Not Fine and coming off as Generally Alright. I mean, I’m not saying I’m not still feeling all those wobbly, fragile feelings that I hate, but Pretending did the trick. At least for awhile.