SO! After yesterday’s post, I looked up Lunesta online and hey, oh, what do you know, basically I’d be better off eating Ketamine. OK, that’s some kind of weird hyperbole – nobody would be better off eating Ketamine – but I think that Lunesta is not well-suited to my modern lifestyle.

DO NOT TAKE LUNESTA IF: you have a history of depression, mental illness, or suicidal thoughts.

DO NOT TAKE LUNESTA IF: you drink alcohol

DO NOT TAKE LUNESTA IF: you cannot get a full night’s sleep (this one still has me stumped, frankly)

SIDE EFFECTS OF LUNESTA INCLUDE:

anxiety (sweet, because being anxious usually helps me pass out. when i have trouble sleeping, I like to take some time to ponder my credit card debt and examine my own mortality. then sometimes, if don’t feel riled enough, I’ll freebase a little meth and enjoy the soothing hallucinations of SWAT teams assembling outside my front window.)

sleep-driving (see also, sleep-eating, sleep-cooking, sleep-dialing, and sleep-fucking.) (no joke.)

worsening of depression (see “anxiety” for more on how this is awesome)

dizziness, headache, foul taste in mouth and, occasionally, symptoms of the common cold. (and here i was, thinking my runny nose was from all that freebasing i’ve been doing to get me anxious enough to finally fall asleep. load off my mind, let me tell you!!!)

So last night, I decided to try and sleep the old-fashioned way. I limited my alcohol intake, I took a warm bath, I counted sheep.

Nothing worked, of course, so around 5am i poured myself a tall glass of Bacardi 151 and fired up the crack pipe.

I’m actually too tired right now to know if that last sentence is funny, gross, or just somehow deeply appalling. I’m betting on gross. 151 is some nasty shit.