TBH, sometimes it’s like, FML. And that’s OK.

I had it all set in my head to write this great “I Overcame My Eating Disorder” post, and then, unexpectedly, I had cause to watch some of my wedding video. It totally took the wind out of my sails, people. I was so thin then, and I mean, I LOOKED happy enough.

The gist of it was that my aunts came in to town last weekend – three of them – and of course it made me think about how my body has changed since last they saw me. And like, I don’t go around all the time feeling bad about how I look, but let me tell you I tried on my entire wardrobe before deciding what to wear when the whole family met up.

Thing is, I don’t know how to write about this. I don’t know how to write that sometimes I look in the mirror and literally do not recognize myself. I’ve been eating disordered since I was 14, and I always want to stay positive and light for teh interwebz but sometimes it’s just not that easy. If I want to keep writing, if I want to keep being honest, then I really have to admit. It is not that easy all the time.

Why do I want to share this? Why do I want to expose myself in this way? I mean, everyone’s weird about their body, right, why put it out there? Because nobody TALKS about how they’re weird about their body. Nobody TALKS about how it feels. And I think that’s important. At least, it makes me feel better to think that.

So we went out to dinner, my aunts and my parents and me, and we all had Bloomin’ Onion and steak and what have you, and the whole time I was feeling like this huge whale that probably should have gotten a salad instead of a filet mignon. And at the end of the meal, my aunt leans over to me and tells me how amazing I look. That I really look amazing.

This, from the woman who probably remembers me as I was in my wedding dress, all thin and beautiful. This is me then, just after the wedding, on our honeymoon in Mexico. What you don’t see in that picture is my bulimia. And now I don’t have that. It’s cause to be happy. It’s a reason to be proud.

Right?

5 Responses to TBH, sometimes it’s like, FML. And that’s OK.

  1. B! says:

    I’m so proud of you.

    Like

  2. Jay says:

    I applaud you for putting it all out there. Being happy and feeling happy are different things to different people. Keep it up. I enjoy reading your blog, and I wish I was as brave and willing to put it out there like you have.

    Like

  3. MegaZone says:

    You bet it is cause to be happy *and* proud. I was blown away when I met you, and you’re the same awesome person. You are not your disorder.

    Like

  4. Laura says:

    I haven’t been keeping up on your blog, but I read this one. Number 1000! I also don’t think I’ve seen a very recent picture of you, but I can tell you that the GIRL in the beach photo doesn’t look like she should be married. You look like a hungry little kid to me. Now you can look like who you ARE: a healthy, satisfied, talented WOMAN. Congratulations. It sounds like you’ve kicked its ass!

    Like

  5. kate.d. says:

    Thanks for sharing this, Erin. It is absolutely good to talk about it, and I appreciate your honestly and thoughtfulness here!

    Like

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