Penny-wise, Pound foolish

So, I’ve got weight issues. Rather, I’ve got eating issues that make me have weight issues. In high school, I was borderline anorexic. In my late 20s, I was actively bulimic. Now, in my early 30s, apparently I’m just getting fat. I mean, not like FAT fat, but fat for me. Which is really just a little bit pudgy, I guess, but it feels awful.

Nobody is ever unaware that they’re gaining weight, right, I mean, most people can just tell. But everything was thrown into stark relief last night when, searching for something to wear to a business meeting in New York this Thursday, I pulled on my trouser jeans and they wouldn’t button. Not even close. Which makes me think that my old dress pants ALSO won’t fit, since I bought them around the same time.

I freaked out, went to Marshall’s, spent over $200 buying everything they had in a size 4, got home, tried it all on, and still felt like a little redheaded sausage wearing someone else’s clothes. This is not a happy time, and my unhappiness over my appearance is bleeding over into the rest of my life. It’s hard to feel good when you look like crap, and it’s hard to feel like you look good when NOTHING GODDAMN FITS RIGHT ANYMORE.

I want to cancel my trip to NY, I want to curl up on the couch in sweatpants and cry. I don’t want to go back to my old cycles of restricting and purging, but my feelings about food are so complicated that it’s hard for me to do things any other way. And I know my family would rather see me healthy than thin, but, having always been thin, it’s impossible to feel OK about being healthy.

I think it’s time for a pair of really, really good shoes.

6 Responses to Penny-wise, Pound foolish

  1. Brie Spangler says:

    I hear you. The leftover scars on my thighs from when I was so frustrated I couldn’t get below 109 pounds (my lightest) no matter how hard I tried are miserable reminders of how miserable those days truly were. After the binging and the purging and the starving and cutting and the more binging and all the rest of it, going from 109 to 165 and finally settling in at 130, it’s a slog. It’s uncomfortable and feels hideous, but health trumps all.

    Don’t sit at home on the couch and feel crummy, take your healthy ass to New York and strut your stuff. You’ve earned it. 🙂

    Like

  2. Laura says:

    I just started typing a response to this saying that I used to do the same thing but it turned into a “OMG! I’M A MOM!” moment, so let me try again.

    My point being that we three (you, me, and Brie) are all healthy and beautiful (yes, I’m complimenting myself), and if we stopped looking at photos of sick people for diet/exercise/body advice we’d be a lot better off. We are women. We are SUPPOSED to have a little bit of smoosh on us. It’s normal and healthy and we should embrace it. I hate that “real women have curves” thing, though because my curves are in all the wrong places. Ew. But let’s not do this. Embrace the healthy you. YOU are beautiful. YOU have conquered a lot of things this year! Find a pair of jeans that fit well (regardless of the number on the tag) and flaunt it, lady. To second Brie, you’ve earned it!

    PS. It turns out that now that I’ve had babies and care less about what my body looks like (though I’d LOVE to get back to a 4, but we’ll aim for a 6 for now) it’s the perfect time for my mother and MIL to remind me that I’m still fat. Hmm… thanks a lot.

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    • erinire says:

      Thanks, ladies – I remember fun food times for ALL of us… and I love the term “smoosh”! That’s exactly how I feel. Not always in a bad way, either.

      Like

  3. Heather says:

    I keep trying to come up with a thoughtful, well written comment… But what it comes down to is I can totally relate. Especially right now when jeans I bought in august are so tight that my thighs look like sausages. But I’m actually baking, cooking and eating things that I really really enjoy…. So yeah, it’s hard!

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  4. Debbie G says:

    I can feel your pain very much. Having similar issues my whole life with my love/hate relationship with food and constantly pressuring myself to stay at a certain weight that feels “normal” to me and I am in my 40s. It is such a painful/frustrating way to live. But Erin, know that you are not alone out in there in how you feel. But I know it sucks!

    I too am struggling currently with the same situation. 6 months ago, I was at my comfort weight, everything fit great in fact some looser than others which I always like. I recently tried on some dress pants for work that used to be loose, but now I can barely button them. So I immediatley paniced, wanted to starve myself, run ten miles, etc, to get the weight of quick, because now I was FAT! (But not really, I am probably at a healthier weight, but fat for me in my mind). And yes the extra weight just seemed to creep up out of no where. But I have been here before many times in my life and I kind know how my body works now.

    When I get over stressed, depressed, stop exercising, etc. My metabolism slows way down, and the weight seems to come on, and I am not even eating that much which is frustrating. Because in my mind if I am going to put on any weight I might as well be pigging out on food, but I am not. But anyhow, I am currently trying very hard not to go back to my old panic patterns, because I know it is not healthy for me or the people around me who have to deal with me when I get into this mode. So I am trying to take a step back and manage it in a healthier way. Easier said than done I know. I am actually going to try and jog today as running always makes me feel better about myself and I have not run in about 3 months. So we shall see. But it is tough not feeling comfortable in your own skin.

    So try not to be so hard on yourself. You are not fat, you are beautiful person. Take your trip to New York. You will find something great to wear I am sure. And yes treat yourself and buy yourself a great pair of shoes. And maybe I will try and take my own advice and go out and buy me a new pair of shoes as well. Hang in there!. And thanks always for sharing your personal thoughts as they continue to help and inspire me in my own life.

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  5. So says:

    As an informed observer, I think you look great! And that’s *my* insight to offer.

    Like

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