The plans for my 30th began to take shape on July 13, 2008. For my next birthday, I decided, I would rent a boat in the harbor, have a live band, open bar, and maybe jump into the water as my own grand finale.

Then, though, I quit my job, lost my mind, and spent a month in the bin. The boat idea seemed quite entirely out of the picture. Since I couldn’t muster the fortitude to even apply makeup most days, I decided to keep it mellow and just invite a few girlfriends over for drinks and conversation. I warned that it was not to be a lavish party, that I would not be assembling my usual spread of hot hors d’oevures or my usual “anything goes” $300 trip to the liquor store. If you don’t like vodka, I said, you best BYOB.

Little did I know that the night would end with me guzzling $8.00 Bud Lights while getting the best lap dance ever from a lesbian with fake breasts.

Which means?

I have awesome friends.