So tonight is my last night inpatient. I’ve been living at this hospital since June 6, and I didn’t realize how long that was until I just now typed that date.

I’m so scared I’m numb.

When you’re inpatient (as I was until June 12), or resident (as I will be until tomorrow), there’s a sense of control. There are rules, regulations, structured activities, and bedtimes. There are counselors you can talk to when and if you need it, and near-daily meetings with therapists of all make and model. I find it comforting. Here, I am safe.

When I go home, all that’s out the window. It’ll be just me, Katsumi, and Jake… and my newly acquired cache of psychomeds. No counselors, no hand-holding. No rules.

I know I’ll be OK. I know I can do it. But still.

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