I’ve never been one to refuse a good pill. Be it Advil, Omega-3, Percoset, or certain other remedies not approved by the FDA; if you’re giving, I, generally, will be taking. In a move somewhat out of character for one so devoted to “better living through chemistry”, to date I’ve been very reticent about taking drugs to treat my depression. I felt, somehow, that I should be stronger. I wanted to work things out with words and the brute force of my own determinate will.

But, you know, things change, sometimes faster than we want them to, and after the events of Friday September 5, I am officially on-board with the psychopharm.

When I met my first meddidoctor at McLean’s, he broached the subject with some caution. Would you be open to…? YES, I replied, before he even finished his question. I was promptly furnished with a blister pack of Celexa, 20 mg per. Also a blister pack of Lorazepam 0.5 (my depression, it seems, comes packaged with a bonus prize of intense anxiety,) also doses of 25mg Seroquel (to pave my way to dreamland), then Trazodone (to help me stay there,) 25mg with a 25 bumper.

Then I changed wards and got a new psychiatrist. She raised me to 40mg Celexa, 1mg Lorazepam and, after a particularly nasty episode of rage and frustration, 5mg Abilify. I accepted it all with the simpering gratefulness of a dog brought into a loving home. Everything seems to be working, finally, after 3 weeks of lingering misery. Except…

The Abilify. OH MAN. That Abilify is a killer. Taking it feels eerily similar to coming up on ecstasy, that restless itchy anxious feeling where you can’t figure out whether to get a soda, chew some gum, play with a ball, or lay down and look at the stars. It’s not cool. So I’m being titrated up to 15mg by Friday – paradoxixally, this side effect lessens at higher doses – but in the meantime, I’m composing this blog post, working on my safety plan, doing a crafty art-book thing, making phone calls, smoking cigarettes, and coloring in a picture of an Aztec castle while drinking iced coffee, Diet Coke, water and green tea. The ladies here are planning to watch a movie soon, but I’m not at all sure I can sit still for the duration. And yes, in fact, I HAVE taken my last PRN Ativan.