I recently made an online purchase from http://www.art.com to be shipped to the upper regions of North Dakota via 2-day express via DHL. I placed the order on May 9, and as of May 13, the order had not been received.

“hm” I thought. And continued being busy.

Which I was, I assure you.

Once back from the shoot and enveloped in real-world concerns, I returned to the matter of this missing package. DHL’s website listed the package’s location as Sioux Falls, South Dakota, which, for clarity, is not the same as North Dakota. It’s more like, hey, your package is in Baltimore even though you live in Providence.

“No further information expected”, read the site.

So I call DHL to see what’s the deal. I’m connected with a phone operator who sounds like he’d be hard-pressed to spell his own name, and he tells me that DHL doesn’t deliver to the northern regions of North Dakota, so they handed the package off to the US Postal service.

Apparently, also, there’s no tracking number for the USPS end of things.

OK, great. Awesome.

After a colorful exchange with the DHL service rep, I was given a string of numbers which, after being entered into USPS’ tracking site, yielded no results. Fuming, I hit “redial” on the DHL customer service line and gave a cursory synopsis of the situation.

“Ma’am”, the rep barked at me, “we don’t deliver to remote locations like XXXX XXX North Dakota. So we HAD to give the package to the post office.”

By this point I’d spent half an hour tracking this fucking order, and I really hate being called “ma’am”. I freaked out in a way I’ve only done once before, and that was during the one-week leadup to my wedding when a bridesmaid dress went missing in the ether. Like, seriously? They just GAVE the package to the post office? Like, pulled up to the curb and dropped it off and forgot about it, or what? The whole situation was so ridiculous to me – DHL does some kind of weird covert outsourcing, wash their hands of the matter, and it’s no longer their problem. I hung up in a fit of annoyance so severe that I had to scour my purse for Ativan crumbs.

My day ended with a final call to art.com, who promised to re-deliver the package overnight via UPS which, presumably, DOES deliver to “remote locations”.

Unsuprisingly, I still have not received a confirmation email.