the best thing about being miserably sick and having no voice is that when you’re lying miserably sick on the couch, facedown in a dirty pillow, and you hear your phone ring across the room, you can be like, “FUCK THAT SHIT, because I CAN’T TALK!! HA!!!”

Because sick or not, not having to get off the couch is always a good thing.

Now all I need is a bedpan and a maidservant, because I’ve been drinking a lot of tea and I’d like another bowl of cream of wheat.