There is only one way to deal with certain of life’s events: soak yourself in vodka and wedge a lemon between your teeth. So when Sabominator, my co-bride-to-be and partner in all things wedding-related, announced that she was in posession of two free tickets to Boston’s Great Bridal Expo, I filled my Camelbak with Absolut and pronounced myself ready.

We arrived at the Seaport Westin at a quarter to two and found ourselves at the tail of a very long line of women – no – GIRLS, all giggling and filling out their profile sheets in anticipation of winning some fantastic Sandals vacation or a crockpot from Cuisinart. Being the unluckiest Irishwoman in America, I knew the futility of such hope and instead located the nearest bar. In a sea of chardonnay, we were the only two ladies with liquor, that much was safe to say.

The interior of the “GREAT bridal expo” was the wedding industry equivalent of a job fair with row after row of Monster.com kiosks. Tables included Linens n’ Things, Sandals, David’s Bridal, JC Penny, and Mr. Tux, with a few token florists thrown in for good measure. I think there was actually a booth for the Westin Seaport Hotel, which, HELLO, we are INSIDE the Seaport hotel. No need to beat the dead horse. After dropping our raffle slips into no less than ten vendor boxes, we slipped away to fortify ourselves.

As luck would have it, our visit to the hotel’s luxe watering hole couldn’t have come at a better time – we arrived back in the thick of it just in time for the fashion show, which I can sum up in one image:

The Bridal Hat.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, my mom wore a hat at her wedding en lieu of a veil. BUT THAT WAS IN 1977. The 2006 display was truly, spectacularly, horrible. Some of the most hideous wedding fashion ever conceived, model after unprofessional model, all strutting their stuff to house remixes that would sound right at home as the background to a drag show. We stayed until the bitter end, though, hoping against hope that our efforts would be rewarded with a raffle win.

And lo, just moments ago, we did receive the good news that Sabominator is the proud owner of $300.00 of free electrolysis. Id’ve taken the cuisinart slow cooker, but something is better than nothing, I guess.