I was going to title the post “the internet just gave me an orgasm”, and that seemed to take things a little far. But actually not so much, because:

I mean, holy freaking christ people, that is one fine looking man. FIIIIne. Here I was, leisurely trolling the internets for gossip, when I clicked on this link and BAM.

Did anyone see Don Juan DiMarco? The movie with Marlon Brando where he was all old and big and Johnny Depp was all young and hot and sweaty? I saw it when I was 15 and it was better than any porn I’ve ever seen. The movie was shit, but like they say: you don’t watch porn for the storyline. Or how about Crybaby? My parents rented it for me on VHS and there was one scene I rewound so many times that the tape actually DESINTEGRATED INSIDE THE VCR and we had to buy a new one. For Christmas when I was 14, my friends bought me this poster of Sir Depp, and I’ve dragged that shit around with me to three dorm rooms, four apartments, and two stays at my parents house. If anything ever happened to it, I think I would kill myself. I think I’ll frame it. In platinum.

it’s no secret that I love Johnny Depp. It’s unhealthy – like if Johnny Depp were a liquid, I would draw a bath of Johnny Depp every night and then probably one day drown myself in it. If Johnny Depp were a blanket, I’d be swaddled 24/7. If I was gay, I’d go straight for Johnny Depp and if I were dying, I’d ask for Johnny Depp to give me the last rites. I’m kind of out of analogies here, but think of the most intense craving you’ve ever had, melt it in butter, add a cup of white wine and reduce for ten minutes. You know what you have then?

MOTHERFUCKING CONCENTRATED DRUNKEN BUTTER LOVE, THAT’S WHAT. And that’s about the best parallel I can draw.

and fyi: if you ever have the chance to spend an hour or two image-searching Johnny Depp, you should know that around page 34 the pics start to get a little iffy. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower.

((EDIT: apparently, I’m not the only one who’s gay for johnny depp!!))