So when I started this thing I had the notion that I would just post about my dreams, as they are usually the most engaging part of my existence. However, my dreams took a turn toward the unshareable or extremely dull, so I moved on and began publishing my bitter side once a day, M-F.

But last night I had a weird dream.

Usually in my dreams, I am me, living my life, in extraordinary circumstances. I am me high on crack, I am me beating up Christina Aguilera, I am me hanging out with Panthro, but I am always ME and not, say, a boy.

But last night, I was a boy. And I had been kidnapped and had been held hostage for pretty much my entire life, not allowed to venture outside the house or interact with my peers. Then one night, my captors (surrogate mom and dad) arranged a night out with me, their “son”, to meet another family for dinner. The family in question had a daughter, and I was hopelessly, horribly in love with her. Somehow I had contacted the police and was being wired up outside teh restaurant with headphones and a mic, and at the same time was being reunited with my family. I remember, in the dream, telling my real sister that I was being held by the family and that if anything went wrong she needed to find me, or I would be dead in 14 days. I told her that if nobody found me, I would kill myself because they kept me chained up to a sofa and I couldn’t take it anymore.

I know, I know, it all seems very melodrama, but imagine that you are me and you wake up several times from this dream and each time you are in a panic and each time you are like “wow – that’s just like a movie or something” and then you go back to sleep and the dream PICKS UP RIGHT WHERE IT LEFT OFF.

So continuing, the cops mic me up and the whole time I’m like “this is retarded, this will never work”, and sure enough it doesn’t and I miss meeting the girl that I love and then my kidnap dad comes after me with a shotgun. And then I am chained to the couch.

Fucked up, huh?