Inspired by the entry on mimi / diaryland, I recount my experience in the realm of lingerie. We’ve already discussed bikini waxing, so this should be a walk in the park.

I figured that before I went to LA and turned 26, I should probably own at least one strapless bra. Although I enjoy the carefree “throwing caution to the wind” look of wayward brastraps, I have been berated numerous times for wearing inappropriate undergarments with fancy shirts. So I figured it was time.

I went into Victoria’s Secret because, well one, it was there and two, it was there. I had one night to do all the LA shopping and time was of the essence. So I stroll in, feeling frumpy and sad in my Marshall’s Olga underwire, and ask a friendly salesgirl about the strapless selection. OH MY GOODNESS was she ever thrilled. Very pleasant and knowledgeable, she explained to me the difference between “Angels” and “Very Sexy” and showed me how to remove that little plastic water bubbly-thing when you don’t need the “extra lift” and even threw in a small dissertation on when she did and did not need the “lift”. (excursions to the beach, kicky tube tops, etc.) So I bought both, figuring that I’d decide later.

I got home and tried them on, eager to be wowed with cleavage, and the Very Sexy bra almost ate my face. This contraption pushed my boobs up so high, and in such a strange way, that I almost passed out. I removed the plastic water bubbly-thing to only slightly better results. Plus, it showed underneath my fancy shirt. So forget that.

Last Saturday I went back to the mall to return the predatory boulder-holder (extra fifty bucks off my credit card debt – woo hoo!!) and was greeted at the register with a countenance of shock and horror. “But – but – this is our VERY BEST BRA!” exclaimed the woman at the counter. “Are you SURE??” I felt cowed and ashamed, as though I were returning a helpless puppy to the pound for extermination. I tried to explain that yes, I know my bra size, and no, I don’t really have time right now for a fitting, “BUT EVERYONE LOVES THIS BRA IT IS OUR BEST BRA” and clutching hands and wild eyes, oh my god, lady, CHILL OUT! Definitely a return worth making.

And you know what, for fifty bucks I would kind of rather have a big bottle of Belvedere, anyway.