I asked a certain someone to post the pictures somewhere on the internet, and it just has not happened yet, but by tomorrow, I promise, or MAYBE EVEN later on today. In the meantime, let me tell you about my own personal hell.

My own personal hell started Saturday afternoon, when I commenced my mission to get plastered and pass out early so I could wake up at 4AM for my flight. Getting plastered was a check, passing out early was a check, but then I woke up around 1AM and was so violently ill that I was sure I’d be OK for the flight. Unfortunately, I woke up at 2 and again at 3 to much the same result. When 4AM rolled around, I was a lolling, moaning sack of pain that had to be lugged down to the car and flung wholesale into the passenger seat. I remember mewling something about “gatorade” and “sprite”, and Katsumi, being the good man he is, stopped at a store 24. The sprite went down first and came up, unceremoniously, on the on-ramp to 93. Holding out hope that the trip could still be salvaged, I assured myself that the airport would not be busy, how could the airport be busy? It’s fucking 5AM on a Sunday. No, the airport definitely WILL NOT be busy.

Into terminal B parking, getting out of the car, forcing my booze-numbed limbs to ambulate in the direction of the sliding doors, and then…

DANTE’S SEVENTH CIRCLE.

Fucking CHILDREN. EVERYWHERE. And their PARENTS. And INTERNATIONAL PASSENGERS. And the SMELL of COFFEE (which is generally a good smell, but not when you are working very hard to hold down liquids). It was loud and confusing and good LORD, people are stupid at 5AM on Sunday. As cracked out and pathetic as I felt, I was still operating on a higher level than almost everyone else, and that is NOT me being pompous. It was like these people had never heard of “self check-in”, and apparently there was a flight to Aruba that was really fucking everybody up. Picture being inside a giant linoleum beehive, and the bees are crawling all over each other and bumping across each other and the BUZZING OH GOD. I was never so happy to get on a plane in my life. And as soon as I had the crystalline relief of silence?

I ran to the bathroom and threw up again.