I sort of laughed when they came out with those face washes for women with wrinkles AND acne. I laughed, that is, until now.

Not that my skin has ever been alabaster-smooth, and not that i have so many wrinkles that i am considering a botox-at-home kit, but GODDAMN i am having some monster zits. And I don’t mean little innocuous things where a dab of concealer and “presto-change-o no more zit”, I mean BIG HONKING PAINFUL RED motherfuckers. The kind where you wonder if it is indeed possible that some small multi-legged creature has deposited eggs under your skin (like in that ghost story? where the spider lays eggs in the girl? eeeeew!!!). Clearasil isn’t doing shit, and these bad boys are on the MARCH across my face. I haven’t had zits this bad since I was 13 and had a disastrous run-in with Bath & Body Works’ Grapefruit Toner (since discontinued – wonder why).

Any tips are appreciated, as long as “stop drinking alcohol” or “8 glasses of water a day” are not among them. Because neither of those options are even remotely feasible.