so on saturday katsu and i went to a “matinee” (read: afternoon show that still costs ten dollars despite being well within matinee hours) and saw “The Life Acquatic“. It was a good movie, better than I thought it would be and also better than I had heard from friends. Which leads me to the point of this post, which is to trash what I consider to be one of the most poorly written, self-indulgent, insipid pieces of crap that slunk across the screen in 2004.

Sideways.

“gasp!” you say! “how could you, erinire? It is a heartwarming and universal tale of two men trying to find themselves whilst frolicking with beautiful women and drinking much wine! sales of Pinot Noir are rising because of it!!” Well, says i, let me explain.

Sideways is a movie about two of the most physically unattractive and emotionally cripppled men ever to sip cabernet. While watching the movie, i couldn’t help but wonder if EITHER of them had ANY redeeming qualities whatsoever, a question that was finally answered when Paul Giamatti drank the Chenin Blanc out of a sippy cup in Wendy’s or whatever. Also when the “aging film star” fucked the fat girl just to mess with her head. Also when he let the hot asian chick ride off on her bike. oh – also at the BEGINNING of the movie when johnny-no-chin steals money from his senile mother. I actually found them both so odious that i hoped one of them (or better yet, both) would die in that car crash.

But i knew there was trouble before most of that. Katsu was in the bathroom during what I consider to be the real nadir of the sideways experience, the rambling monologue about pinot noir that is – OOH!! OOH!!! A METAPHOR FOR THE INTERNAL STATE OF GIAMATTI’S CHARACTER!! WOW!! “I enjoy pinot noir because it is fragile, yet darkly robust… care must be taken with the grapes at harvest to ensure that there is no bruising… thin skin, you know… sometimes given to self-deprecation and excessive use of antidepressants… ” it couldn’t have been more obvious if Giamatti had ripped off his leg and beaten each audience member individually. and THEN, as if THAT weren’t enough, blondie starts going off about “oh, i fell in love with wine because it’s ALIVE. and FREE. and COPMLICATED. I think about all of the hands that have touched the grapes, caressing the gentle curvature of the vine, all the sweaty men working in the fields, and then the DRINKING of the wine…” blah blah, just fuck and get it over with. less talk, more action people.

gosh, shall i go on? perhaps not. Blogs are best left short(er) rather than long(er) so we’ll leave with this thought.

I will never, NEVER be able drink pinot noir again without thinking of Paul giamatti all sweaty and gross freaking out in the winery after eating a handful of xanax.

cheers.