EIGHT items or less

it’s always an adventure running errands in this wealthy Boston suburb that starts with an N and is not Needham. People have so much money that they really just feel that they can do whatever it is they please wtihout any regard for anyone else (read: any regard for ME.)


5-person line for the teller, woman with big package eyes me as she nudges ever closer to the front of the line. As though, because she has a big package, i should just let her go before me. NO DICE, BITCH. I WAS HERE FIRST.


whilst ordering the ever-present “large iced coffee with whipped cream” ™ woman with soft but CHRIST SO ANNOYING voice sidles up to my shoulder and whiper-yells at the barista, “meduim lowfat milk latte with double shots”. Not only was she annoying for being so close to me and yelling in my ear, the order was possibly the MOST REDUNDANT ever. obviously, a latte is made with milk, and a medium latte clearly has 2 shots.

all was quiet for a couple hours, but that was because i was comfortably ensconced in my workplace. then…. i did the unthinkable.


pulling into parking lot am almost run over by myopic 80-year old in a buick

crossing parking lot (in the crosswalk) am almost run over by soccer mom in an Explorer

in produce section, cheese shop, deli counter and adjacent to free pineapple samples, am almost run over by oblivious housewives and their mongrel children

in “12-items or less” line am almost trampled when “8 items or less” line opens.

in “12-items or less” line am backed into by woman with 2 boys under 5… my pity for her is overshadowed by astonishment the sheer stupidity of her action, as i had been standing in front of her for at least 5 minutes.

in “12-items or less” line notice that woman in “8 items or less” line is WEARING SUNGLASSES inside the store and surreptitiously counting the FIFTEEN peices of fruit leather she intends to purchase, in addition to her milk, granola, broccoli, ghee, and laxatives.

8 items or less my ass. what a crock of shit.

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