After my hectic week of yore, I was kind of glad that the only thing on my agenda was a Keynote tutorial at the Apple store. (And an oil change. And a realtor meeting. And a ton of editing, researching, and emailing. Calls to Canon tech support, calls to accountants, calls to agencies, whatever, but it was the Keynote tutorial that really had me stressed.) I thought it would be something really high-level, and, having never used the program before, I was a little concerned. Visions of a dozen Mac freaks looking down their black-rimmed glasses at me, as I held up the session with my stupid questions about Inspector. I also thought I was going to be late, and am presently paying .20 a minute to blog from Legal Seafoods while my car is parked in the Prudential Garage. The garage is a total ripoff, but I couldn’t bear to tell my new boss I missed the Apple tutorial because I was too cheap to pay for parking.

So I get in there, all frizzy-haired and sweaty, toting my unsheathed mac in one hand and my iPhone in the other, and there’s only one other woman there for the class. And she’s, like, never used a mac before. All of a sudden, I’m feeling high and mighty. We went slowly through the basics of slideshow creation, I learned how to do cheese wipes and motion effects, and then I got bored and then it was over. I’m not saying Apple ran a bad tutorial, but it gets back to my initial point about Keynote and Power Point and all this shit.

What’s the fucking mystery?

Like, people put Power Point on their resume as though they created their own new operating system, and every time I go to use it it’s just so insanely dumb I can’t believe it’s even real. Like, using Power Point is about as difficult as washing your face, or drinking a glass of water. Keynote’s no different. I can’t believe they even offer a TUTORIAL on it, like any moron with two thumbs couldn’t go in and click and drag their way into something that looks remotely professional. Unless I’m missing something, slideshow presentation software could be the biggest hoax pulled on American society since the red scare.

Power Point users! Keynote gurus! I beseech you: tell me your secrets. Show me how I’m oversimplifying the issue. Make me feel as small as a grain of sand. Tell me.