I was out at Drink with a friend the other night. We hadn’t seen each other for a long time, since just after I got out of McLean, so there was a lot to catch up on. After settling in and putting in a mildly challenging bar order, he asked me, hesitantly, “So, are you like, OKAY now?”
It’s an odd question, one that’s hard for me to answer. I mean, yes, you know, I’m okay, I’m generally good. But when I think about how badly off I used to be, how badly off I was last spring, being this okay is like a miracle. Waking up every day and being able to get out of bed, not dreading every minute of waking life, not lulling myself to sleep with thoughts unfit to print, this is miraculous. Especially considering.
In November, Katsumi moved out. Two months ago, I asked him for a divorce. I’ve been living with my parents since just after Arizona, and am moving from Eastie to the suburbs box by box. On paper, this is horrible, my life is a mess. I wrecked my car, I have no job, I have no marriage or money or children, and I’m thirty. I mean, this should be the nadir of my adult life.
But it’s not.
I really DO feel better now, I feel better than I’ve ever felt. I’m busy ALL the time – I’m doing free freelance on a new doc in production, I’m starting my own wedding videography business, I’m teaching myself Final Cut Pro and DVD Studio and Compressor and I’m seriously brushing up on my Filemaker skills. I see friends almost every night, I hang out with my mom every day, and I feel more connected and in control of things than I have in a very long time, despite the recent chaos. It probably doesn’t hurt that I’ve also met somebody new, and am floating on that kind of puppy love you think exited stage left around age 18.
So that’s my long answer, Chris. I’m doing great. Really. So great, it’s just fucking ridiculous.