People told me it was bad, my way of operating, but I was content enough. Since the time of my youth, I’ve lived on coffee, diet coke and booze. I was never thirsty, never parched, never achy or sore. Then, over Thanksgiving, I finally caved.

“Drink water!” my sister said. “It’s good for you!”

She loves water. She drinks a ton of it. My friends do, too – like liters and liters a day. Maybe I’m just a follower, I don’t know, but damned if I didn’t start drinking water instead of gin.

“You’ll feel SO much better” Lisa told me.

Lisa’s a scientist, so I figure she knows what she’s talking about. I bought a water bottle, a cute one with polka dots, and went to town with the H2O. I was going to make them all proud.

“Isn’t it great?” asked Sabrina, after a week of increased consumption.

And my answer is a resounding NO. NO, drinking water is NOT GREAT. Because the more water you drink, the more water you NEED to drink. Before, I was like a camel in the fucking desert. I could go days without touching a drop and be totally OK with it. Now, if I don’t drink water, I get all sore, my body aches, and my lips shrivel up and fall off my face. And it sucks, because I don’t even LIKE water, but now I NEED it. So, free advice: Water is like a bad drug – once you start, you can’t stop. Just say no.