I’m officially signed up for unemployment.

I had all these lofty ideas: i’d get MA DOR on the horn and enroll for the dole, preferably while wearing my favorite pajamas, then lay back and sip homemade iced coffee until the checks started rolling in. (Who can afford Starbucks in times like these, et al)

There’s a lot nobody tells you about unemployment – first and foremost, that it’s actually easier to reach the President of the United States by telephone than to speak with a representative from the Department of Revenue. Being allowed to wait on hold for 20 minutes yesterday was a real score, since every previous attempt to bridge the gap ended with the automated service suggesting I try again “at a later time, or, on the next business day”. Apparently, “Friday” means “we’re all out of business days”, which suits me just fine, thanks.

Then also, there’s all these RULES. Like, the state actually wants PROOF that you’re “actively engaged in jobseeking efforts”. It seems I’ll be required to keep a journal of all my employment hunting activities, with a minimum requirement of three contacts a week. THREE CONTACTS A WEEK?? I can go a week without even LOOKING at three people, never mind this journaling my efforts nonsense. And with all this “jobseeking”, when will I ever find time to wait on hold to request my next unemployment check? Pardon my well-developed sense of sloth, but doesn’t this run completely contrary to everything America stands for?

Finally – and this really adds insult to injury – I won’t get my first check for three to four weeks. WEEKS, people. Thank god I have a husband with a salary, otherwise I’d have to start selling furniture to pay for my homebrew. This shit is for the birds.