So once again, Forbes has published their list of the 100 most powerful women in the world, and once again I’m not on it. But you know what? That’s fine with me. The whole thing seems kind of like a powder keg. I mean, seriously, I’d like to see the computation for deciding who is more powerful than who(m? i never got that grammar rule – maybe that’s why I’m just a pawn in this game of life).

The chancellor of Germany is #1. I get that. Germany seems like a pretty important place, and Angela Merkel definitely looks like she could fuck shit up. But how did Forbes figure out that she was more “powerful” than Sonia Ghandi, the president of India, who ranks a paltry #6? Condi Rice is #4, but if you ask me, my morning cup of coffee packs more of a punch. Poor Condi. Stuck in that big, empty house alone with GWB. And creepy Cheney.

But those are all politicians, which is bad enough, but then Forbes had to go and throw the PRIVATE sector into the mix, so then you’ve got the Queen of England (#23) ranked behind the CEO of Ebay (#22) and the Chair(wo)man of Sara Lee (#19). I know they say the monarchy is a figurehead and all, but its gotta burn when you’re outranked by pound cake.

Entertainment? That’s on Forbes’ radar, too! Diane Sawyer, helming “Good Morning America”, holds it down at a respectable #62, but is outstrapped by Meredith Vieria, formerly of “The View”, currently of “The Today Show”, and #55 on the tower of power. Maybe Katie Couric is having second thoughts about her switch to the Evening News, since she’s only #63. I find that surprising, actually, since all you ever hear about her is how she’s too cute for primetime and how CBS wants to can her sweet ass.

Yup, there’s a lot of women out there, all of whom are more big and important than I’ll every be, unless my husband takes over a country. Laura Bush is #60, and the first lady of Quatar is #79, but I don’t think I’m going to hold my breath for that. If I can’t even muster the motivation to stage a coup on Time Inc, I hardly think Katsumi would be inclined to run for the presidency. And really, once you get up that high, it’s just too easy to get hurt. How do you think it feels to be Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf? She’s the president of Liberia, LAST on the list, a solid 15 spots behind Christie Hefner. Does that name ring any bells?

That’s right, folks. According to Forbes, Christie Hefner of Playboy is more powerful than THE COUNTRY OF LIBERIA.

That’s why I stay out of this whole game. I don’t want to wake up one day and be playing second fiddle to Liberia. Or Playboy, for that matter.