Despite my bold front, I’m not the kind of person who’s terribly good with change.
Before I left for college, I spent weeks weeping in my boyfriend’s arms, and not just because we were going to different schools. One night we were parked in the industrial park, doing the kinds of things high school kids do when parked in industrial parks, and I had a complete breakdown because I would be lmoving away from my dad. MY DAD. I mean, I love my dad, but then I was 17 and hated my family, so the whole thing was really inexplicable.
Before I graduated college I spent a lot of time dissolved in paroxysms of anxiety and grief at the thought of leaving my friends. This wasn’t limited to the weeks immediately preceding the tossing of caps; rather, it started in August and increased in momentum and intensity until the folowing May. Needless to say, the day that my friends finally *DID* move away, it probably would have been wise to hook me up to a Valium drip and just leave me there until I’d forgotten how to spell my name.
That summer I had an amazing time, despite myself, and met an amazing girl who I was very sad to leave come October. I took a road trip around the east coast and remember spending a night alone in a hotel room in Amherst, swilling beer after beer and writing songs about her until I passed out on top of the covers with all my clothes on.
Even leaving my last job, which drove me to the brink of insanity, you’ll remember that I would be occasionally seized with fear about a career change and what it might mean for my personality and what was left of my psyche. And I was *READY* to leave that job.
So moving from this aparment we’ve been in for the last 2.5 years, this is no small potatoes. I go back and forth – the no AC is a big sign that it’s time to get out of dodge, and the other night Katsumi turned on the computer while I was in bed and I almost stabbed him with a pencil for waking me up. But still, when I wake up in the morning and look up through the skylights… there’s something special about that that I’ll miss when it’s gone. I’m focusing on the good things (the freezer, the oven, the ceilings) and the conveniences (the proximity to the subway, the proximity to the north end), but still. I’ll be happy when this week is over, when we’ll be re-settled and moved in and focused on making the new place our home, rather than diassembling the home that’s been two years in the making.