EXHIBIT A
leaving work yesterday I stepped on a used condom in the back alley. Now, I am an adult, and I realize that every second of every day, someone somewhere is having sex. Nevertheless, I don’t really need to be confronted with the evidence on the way to my car. Might I also remind you that I work above a gay leather bar, so it was probably a leather-fetish butt-sex condom.

I don’t know if that makes things better or worse.

EXHIBIT B
When I got back from DC on Sunday I was too exhausted to choose a dinner venue, so Katsu and I went to the Legal Seafoods in the airport. After spending the weekend living on an erratic diet of Baked Lays, bread, and vodka, I felt like I needed something healthy and comforting. I went with baked scrod and a cup of chowder. Two drinks into my meal, I almost missed the thin, rubbery strand that emerged from the fish halfway through the fillet. That makes it two bouts with wormy whitefish in as many months. Cod and I have officially ended our love affair and can no longer even be friends. And I get to keep the houseplants.

EXHIBIT C
Driving into work today my check engine light came on.

Then I drove the fucking car straight into the Charles. So if you’re looking for me later this afternoon, I’ll probably be bobbing drunkenly somewhere under the Zakim bridge.

EDITED TO ADD
as a PSA before I float out to sea:

all you pale-skinned girls out there? Do NOT believe the hype. Despite what they tell us, despite what we hear is “ok”, we pale girls should NOT use the “medium” tone of those new tanning lotions. Our color changes will NOT be gradual. This morning I tried out the medium and now I have an arm-fat-shaped streak leading to my left boob and probably some hand-smears on my back. very not cool.