I went shopping on Sunday with my mom and my sister. The trip was *supposed* to be of the “hey-mom-i-really-like-these-shoes / ok-honey-let-me-buy-them” genre. Unfortunately, the gravity of the situation made itself plain once we entered Terrazza, an establishment which cloaks itself in the sheep’s wool of a home and garden store while quietly sucking dry your soul.

Inconspucuously situated in a mildly depressing strip mall whose other inhabitants include a Jiffy Lube and a Subway, Terrazza is heroin for the suburban set. Lulled into submission by the ambrosial scent of Archipelago candles, an unsuspecting customer might wander the store for hours, obscenely fondling the Mariposa glassware and ogling the expansive selection of stone garden statues. Terrazza has intoxicating lavender hand creme, lacivious hot chocolate, ethereal stemware, and even those annoying inspirational photo frames that say things like “Sisters are God’s gift of love” or “a Mother is a Treasure That You’ll Cling To Forever”. After enough time huffing Christmas candles, you might think that it’s actually a good idea to *buy* one of those picture frames.

Once you start thinking along these lines, the rational thing would be to leave the store. But no! you can’t! You see the stuffed dogs and baby mugs and suddenly remember that your second cousin just got pregnant for the first time and wouldn’t this be THE PERFECT GIFT? But then you have to get a gift for your friend’s baby, and that other girl’s kid, and then you remember that guy that always gets you really nice presents and you always cheap out and get him like a calendar or something and these WINE GLASSES WOULD BE PERFECT because he JUST GOT A NEW APARTMENT and all of a sudden it’s Christmas and Happy Birthday and Housewarming and gosh, 19.99 isn’t really that much for a 60-hour candle at ALL –

Then you find yourself panting and sweating at the counter, weakly offering the cashier your plastic, hoping that they have a good return policy so that when the wax high wears off you can return some of these unnecessary gifts.

as this christmas season swings into gear, I would advise all my friends and loved ones to visit Terrazza – I mean – shop with care. And remember: store credit is almost as good as cash.