I am really not a “gym” person. Anyone that knows me will tell you that. I don’t have the time, I don’t have the money, and I hate being out of breath. I much prefer laying around with a Ketel one and club soda, feeling good that I’ve chosen a non-caloric mixer. But, a few years ago, I went a little nuts and

(DRUMROLL)

joined a gym.

Much to my suprise, I found out that I liked it! I’m a bit of a masochist when I’m not busy with hedonism, and watching the “calories burned” figure tick steadily upwards was as much of a rush for me as the endorphins. I loved the treadmill, I loved the free weights, I hated the elliptical machine, but I would force myself to do it just because everyone else was. One thing led to another, and I got kind of balls-out about the whole scene. Pretty soon I was waking up at nine, getting to the gym at ten, working out ’till 12:30 and spending an hour in the sauna. (Oh the sauna! Dry sauna! How I miss you and your cedar planks!!) I lost five pounds, my ass looked great, and I even bought a miniskirt. Then I got sick or something and had to take a few weeks off. It was the kiss of death.

After I got better, I tried to go back, I really did, but it just didn’t feel the same anymore. My work schedule changed, and instead of working 2-10 I was working 9-7 and I found it so distasteful to be at the gym during “peak time”. Then I lost a cherished necklace down their drain and I was like, you know what, this is it.

So I stopped going entirely. But did I cancel my membership? nooooo. That would signal DEFEAT! And I am no quitter (insert joke about cigarettes here). I operated under some delusion that someday my resolve would return and I would spring back into action, lose the weight I gained sitting on my ass eating chips and marshmallows all winter and WEAR THAT MINISKIRT GODDAMIT. As winter turned to spring turned to summer, I broke down and put my account on “hold” for $15 a month.

Then I sort of forgot about it.

Until I closed my credit card the following January. And racked up a hundred dollars in charges from the gym trying to charge the hold fee to an account that didn’t exist. When I called them they were more than happy to close my account, but the charges kept coming. I called again in May and screamed and yelled and they were like, yeah, seriously, no more charges. We promise! We’re The Gym!

This morning? I GOT ANOTHER BILL. FROM THE CLOSED ACCOUNT. FOR THIRTY BUCKS. FROM THE GYM. Talk about livid, man, between the car and this new headache, people best check themselves before messing with me today.