It started out, as always, with my clothes. The “I don’t have ANYTHING to WEAR!” conundrum. I nipped this problem in the bud some time ago by bulk-purchasing simple black shirts from Target and wearing them like a uniform day in and day out, but now, with my more ample figure, the Uniform is a little snug. I don’t like feeling snug. And Target stopped making the shirts I like. So I’m really up a creek.
I settled on a black lightweight turtleneck over a black lightweight 3/4 sleeve over a black tank top, and set about organizing my day. I had stuff to return to Marshall’s, stuff to return to Target, and stuff to go to the post office, plus a ride up to Marblehead to settle some things at the office, plus grocery and booze shopping to do. I’m very particular about the order in which I complete my tasks – I really need things to be streamlined and efficient – but for some reason I couldn’t figure out a way to streamline any of my errands. Then I couldn’t find the receipt for my Marshall’s purchase (a fairly expensive piece of cookware that I agonized over buying) (because I’m pretty broke, now that I had to shell out $300 for 100 gallons of heating oil) and boy did that set me off. They don’t give you your money back without a receipt, don’t you know, and I definitely need my money back.
Sometimes, it’s all these little things in life that coalesce into one big snarl of paralyzing confusion. My shrink says this is actually a condition-specific phenomenon, which makes me feel a little better, but when you’re sitting in the parking lot of Whole Foods trying to figure out whether it’s even worth going inside, now that you’ve lost your Marshall’s receipt and wasted an entire day freaking out about nothing… it’s cold comfort. The feeling is like a snowball gaining momentum and girth as it rolls downhill, while you’re tied to a chair at the bottom of the slope, right in its path. You can breathe, you can Zen, you can distract yourself from the inevitable, but eventually, you know, you’re gonna get hit.
I stopped my Abilify recently, after an extended taper, and I’ve been feeling kind of off ever since. It’s getting hard to see the forest from the trees.